I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
