Who did Billy Mays play for?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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