Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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