You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
