I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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