I wish I could teleport
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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