I think I won the penis lottery.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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