once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
