So drunk its hurt
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you win again, gameday.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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