when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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