That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
