woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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