if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
