I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
