after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
