I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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