I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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