Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
