just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
