I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
