Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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