the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
