He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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