I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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