My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
