I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
