It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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