Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
