I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
