woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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