It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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