I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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