How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I could make wine with my vomit
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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