Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
