The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
