It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
