i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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