how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
