Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I intend to get homeless drunk
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
