is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
