I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
