I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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