also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
