no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
