so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
