Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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