I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this will be a night to untag.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
