If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
