i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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