I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
