Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
