I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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