Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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