I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
